December 16, 2013
Texas A&M Study Calls Obama 5th Best President in America
Good research work by a fine institution.
From a total of 44 US Presidents: Obama is rated as the 5th best President ever! The A&M’s Public Relations Office released the following statement, “…after only 5 years in office, Americans have rated President Obama the 5th best President ever.” The details according to TEXAS A&M:
- Reagan & Lincoln tied for first.
- Twenty three presidents tied for second.
- Seventeen other presidents tied for third.
- Jimmy Carter came in fourth.
- Obama came in fifth!
This appears to be totally reasonable . . . . . .
October 24, 2013
If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result…all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one.
The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment…with enthusiasm, because he is now part of the “team”.
Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by the fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.
Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.
Why, you ask? Because in their minds…that is the way it has always been!
This, my friends, is how Congress operates…and this is why, from time to time ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.
June 22, 2013
If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!
If a Conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a Liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a Conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a Liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a Conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a Liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
If a Conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
If a Liberal is down-and-out he wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a Conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
A Liberal demands that those they don’t like be shut down.
If a Conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A Liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
If a Conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
If a Liberal decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his.
If a Conservative reads this, he’ll tell his friends so they can have a good laugh.
If a Liberal reads this he will try to delete it because he’s “offended”.
June 18, 2013
- Can you cry under water?
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
- What disease did cured ham actually have?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?
- Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway…
- Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
- Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? (Why did you just try singing these two songs?)
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
- Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?
- Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
- Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
- Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
- Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
- Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
- Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
- Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
- Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
- Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
- Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
- How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
- Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
- In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
- How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
April 30, 2013
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?”
The waitress nodded “Yes”, so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus, over there?”
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat.”
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and hollered, “Hey there honey! How’s about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?” He too looked across the restaurant and asked, “Isn’t that God’s boy over there?”
The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. “On my bill,” he said loudly.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him, and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and began to praise the Lord.
Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him, and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, raised his hands, and he too began to praise the Lord.
Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling. The Democrat? He jumped up and yelled, “Don’t touch me …. I’m on disability.”
For Those Who Understand, No Explanation Is Necessary.
For Those Who Do Not Understand, No Explanation Is Possible.
April 10, 2013
IF YOU’RE AS OLD AS I AM, THIS IS A RIOT!
Everyone should start carrying $2 bills! I’m STILL laughing!!
I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public. The younger generation doesn’t even know they exist!
STORY: On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. I have a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure with the $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about irritating anyone for trying to break a $50 bill.
Me: ‘Hi, I’d like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.’
Server: ‘That’ll be $1.04. Eat in?’
Me: ‘No, it’s to go.’ At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: ‘Uh, hang on a sec, I’ll be right back.’
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:
Server: ‘Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?’
Manager: ‘No. A what?’
Server: ‘A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me…’
Manager: ‘Ask for something else. There’s no such thing as a $2 bill.’
Server: ‘Yeah, thought so.’
He comes back to me and says, ‘We don’t take these. Do you have anything else?’
Me: ‘Just this fifty. You don’t take $2 bills? Why?
Server: ‘I don’t know.’
Me: ‘See here where it says legal tender?’
Me: ‘So, why won’t you take it?’
Server: ‘Well, hang on a sec.’
He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I’m a shoplifter, and says to him, ‘He says I have to take it.’
Manager: ‘Doesn’t he have anything else?’
Server: ‘Yeah, a fifty. I’ll get it and you can open the safe and get change.
Manager: ‘I’m not opening the safe with him in here.’
Server: ‘What should I do?’
Manager: ‘Tell him to come back later when he has real money.’
Server: ‘I can’t tell him that! You tell him.’
Manager: ‘Just tell him.’
Server: ‘No way! This is weird. I’m going in back.
The manager approaches me and says, ‘I’m sorry, but we don’t take big bills this time of night.’
Me: ‘It’s only seven o’clock! Well then, here’s a two dollar bill.’
Manager: ‘We don’t take those, either.’
Me: ‘Why not?’
Manager: ‘I think you know why.’
Me: ‘No really, tell me why.’
Manager: ‘Please leave before I call mall security.’
Me: ‘Excuse me?’
Manager: ‘Please leave before I call mall security.’
Me: ‘What on earth for?’
Manager: ‘Please, sir..’
Me: ‘Uh, go ahead, call them.’
Manager: ‘Would you please just leave?’
Manager: ‘Fine — have it your way then.’
Me: ‘Hey, that’s Burger King, isn’t it?’
At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.
A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.
Guard: ‘Yeah, Mike, what’s up?’
Manager (whispering): ‘This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.’
Guard: ‘No kidding! What?’
Manager: ‘Get this. A two dollar bill.’
Guard (incredulous): ‘Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?’
Manager: ‘I don’t know. He’s kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.’
Guard: ‘Oh, so the fifty’s fake!’
Manager: ‘No, the two dollar bill is.’
Guard: ‘Why would he fake a two dollar bill?’
Manager : ‘I don’t know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?’
Security Guard walks over to me and……
Guard: ‘Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you’re trying to use.’
Me: ‘Uh, no.’
Guard: ‘Lemme see ‘em.’
Guard: ‘Do you want me to get the cops in here?’
At this point I’m ready to say, ‘Sure, please!’ but I want to eat, so I say, ‘I’m just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I’m taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says, ‘Hey, Mike, what’s wrong with this bill?’
Manager: ‘It’s fake.’
Guard: ‘It doesn’t look fake to me.’
Manager: ‘But it’s a two dollar bill.’
Guard: ‘Yeah? ‘
Manager: ‘Well, there’s no such thing, is there?’
The security guard and I both look at him like he’s an idiot and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue and is an idiot.
So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.
Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.
Just think… those two are of the age to be voting!!!
NOW do you understand why and how Obama got a 2nd term?
March 26, 2013
- BLOCK: The distance between some people’s ears.
- CANOE: An object that acts like a small boy…it behaves better when paddled from the rear.
- CAREFUL DRIVER: The fellow who has made the last payment on his car.
- CHARM: The ability to make someone else think that both of you are quite wonderful.
- COLD FEET: The ailment you get when you know what the consequences are going to be.
- DELAY: The greatest remedy for anger.
- DIETING: The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.
- DUTCH TREAT: When two businessmen have dinner and each uses his own expense account.
- ELECTRICIAN: A man who wires for money.
- ELEPHANT: A useful animal with a vacuum cleaner in front and a rug beater at the back.
- FROG: The only living thing that has more lives than a cat. It croaks every night.
- GOVERNMENT EXPERT: One who complicates simple things.
- HIDE AND SICK: A game played on any ocean liner by the passengers.
- IMPATIENCE: Waiting in a hurry.
- JACK: A thing that lifts a car and also keeps it going.
- KIBITZER: A person with an inferiority complex.
- LIFE INSURANCE: A plan that keeps you poor all your life so you can die rich.
- METER MAID: A person who always does a fine day’s work.
- MOUTH: The grocer’s friend, the dentist’s fortune, the orator’s pride, and the fool’s trap.
- NOSTALGIA: Trimming the Christmas tree with popcorn made in the microwave oven.
- OPTIMIST: One who thinks he/she will never do anything stupid again.
- PUBLIC LIBRARY BUILDING: The tallest building in town…it has more stories than any other.
- REUNION: When you meet people your own age who all look a lot older than you.
- RUSH HOUR: When the traffic stands still.
- SCANDAL: A breeze stirred up by a couple of windbags.
- SKEPTIC: One who won’t take know for an answer.
- SMILE: Something that adds to your face value.
- SPRING: A time when boys feel gallant and girls feel buoyant.
- TAILOR: An occupation that suits everyone.
- TOE: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.
- TRAGEDY: A bride without a can opener.
- TWILIGHT: All the difference between day and night.
- UMBRELLA: A movable roof.
- UPPER CRUST: A number of persons stuck together by their dough.
- VOTE: To choose the lesser of evils.
- WINTER: The time of year when it gets later earlier.
- YOURS: Anything which, up to the present, others have not been able to get away from you.
Next Page »
March 23, 2013
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Montana. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. That’s $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. That’s $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan “worked”.