A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been Studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

(You’re going to love the Dad’s reply!)

“Did you also notice that they walked everywhere they went?”

• My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. Her meals are provided at no cost to her.
• She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup; she pays nothing and nothing is required of her.
• During the year if any medical needs arise, again, she pays nothing and nothing is required of her.
• She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep.
• If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
• She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep.
• She receives these accommodations absolutely free.
• She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
• All of her costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.

My dog is a Democrat!

You know you’re a liberal if: (an oldie but goodie!)

• You hate Hillary and Barack jokes.
• You pale at the execution of child killers, but defend the killing of unborn children as an expression of choice.
• You think trees have feelings, animals can conceptualize and the fetus is a blob of protoplasm.
• You are convinced that Frank Capra films and Norman Rockwell paintings are lies and distortions but “Platoon,” “Dances with Wolves” and “Thelma and Louise” are realistic.
• You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the school day constitutes government indoctrination and an intrusion on parental authority, while sex education, condom distribution and multiculturalism are values-neutral.
• You agonize over threats to the natural environment (acid rain, toxic waste) but are oblivious to threats to the social environment (pornography, promiscuity, and family dissolution).
• You want to legalize cocaine and outlaw handguns.
• You think cops are pigs and criminals are products of their environment.
• You believe the National Rifle Association helps criminals while the American Civil Liberties Union protects the innocent.
• Jesse Jackson makes sense to you. Barbra Streisand makes even more sense.
• You believe corporate profits are obscene but government spending is too low and the American people are undertaxed.
• You think deficits are caused by tax loopholes.
• You think marriage is obsolete – except for homosexuals.
• You believe homosexuality is genetically determined, but fascism and spouse abuse aren’t.
• You think AIDS is spread by insufficient funding.
• You considers the Catholic bishops noble and idealistic when they oppose capital punishment and welfare cuts but dangerous fanatics trying to legislate their theology when they defend the right to life.
• You are convinced that proponents of welfare reform hate the poor and opponents of affirmative action hate minorities, but AIDS activists who bash the Pope and People for the American Way types who go psycho over Protestant “fundamentalists” are guardians of democracy.
• You attribute every minority problem to entrenched, institutional racism and the legacies of slavery and segregation.
• You think the black middle class is a myth created by Republicans.
• You don’t understand all of the whining about affirmative action and are more than willing to sacrifice someone else’s employment or education opportunity to assuage your guilt.
• You see no correlation between welfare and the rise of illegitimacy, judicial leniency and surging crime rates, or addiction and an entertainment industry that glorifies drug abuse.
• You believe Ronald Reagan, George Bush and George W Bush are responsible for everything horrible that’s happened in the past quarter-century.
• You think those child-abusing, religious fanatics at Waco had it coming but the illegal immigrants roughed up by California deputies – after leading them on a high-speed chase – are the victims of the decade.
• Lastly, you’re a liberal if – you don’t get the point of this post.

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her Bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

“Hi Darling”, he says, “Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you said Hello to them…”

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist.

The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, ‘What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, ‘Are you my friend?’ or is it ‘Are you the one who killed my brother?

Nugent replied, ‘Deer aren’t capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress.’

The interview ended.

A United States Marine was taking some college courses between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, “GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform… I’ll give you exactly 15 min.”

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am GOD, I’m still waiting.”

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, “What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?”

The Marine calmly replied, “God was too busy today protecting America’s soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me.”

—————-
Now playing: Newsboys – I Am Free
via FoxyTunes
The classroom erupted in cheers!

This just might make your day a little brighter!! You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans — relax, here is our real problem.

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple.

The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating,

“What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?”

Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections!

THEY BREED AND WALK AMONG US…

LORD —WE NEED MORE HELP THAN WE THOUGHT WE DID!

—————-
Now playing: The Maine – Everything I Ask For
via FoxyTunes

OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE OLD STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
____________________

MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, “It’s Not Easy Being Green”.

ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing, “We Shall Overcome”.

Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper’s sake as he rants about how evil and racist the ant is.

President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, George Washington, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper’s plight.

Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, in an interview with Larry King, claim that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his “fair share”.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Pro-Grasshopper Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government Green Czar who in turn gives it to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which (as you recall) just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn’t maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize and ramshackle the once prosperous and peaceful neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2012!

Since you’ve read this far, I believe that you are an ant! You may wish to pass this link on to other ants, but don’t bother passing it on to any grasshoppers because they wouldn’t understand it anyway.

If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on….

If a Conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a Liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a Conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a Liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a Conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a Liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a Conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation and then takes action.
If a Liberal is down-and-out, he wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a Conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
If a Liberal doesn’t like a talk show host, he demands that all talk show hosts he doesn’t like be shut down.

If a Conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
If a Liberal is a non-believer, he wants any mention of God and religion silenced.

If a Conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
If a Liberal decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a Conservative reads this, he will share it so his friends can have a good laugh.
If a Liberal reads this, he will delete it and ask that it be removed because he’s “offended”.

Well, I shared it… thanks to Ron!

This list of rules, known as “The Iowa Rules” will be handed to each person as they enter the great state of Iowa.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you’ll do all week at the gym. How’d you like to go home and tell your momma you got your butt kicked by a big guy in bib overalls?
2. It’s called a ‘gravel road.’ No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to “corn fed” when talking about our women will get your butt kicked…by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13 inch trout you fish for…bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. Turn your cap right, your head ain’t crooked.
8. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
9. That’s right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid for one drink at the airport.
10. The Hawkeyes and the Cyclones are as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks…and a dang sight more fun to watch.
11. No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
12. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
14. You bring “Mary Jane” into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
15. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car that you drive on weekends. We’re real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use three weeks a year.
16. Let’s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.
17. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-because they want to. So, you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute.
18. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and turtle too. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the bait shop.
19. They are pigs. That’s what they smell like. Get over it. Don’t like it? Interstate 80 goes two ways – 35 goes the other two. Pick one.
20. The “Opener” refers to the first day of pheasant season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. You can get breakfast at the church.
21. So every person in every pick-up waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
22. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.
23. No, we can’t shoot the doves. They’re song birds. Okay, even we feel a little stupid about that one.

Now, enjoy your visit. Just don’t overdue your stay – we have corn to plant so we can feed the world.

Obama goes to an elementary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name.

“Walter”, responds the little boy.

“And what is your question, Walter?”

“I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it’s actually worse?
Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs?
Fourth, why are we importing oil from Brazil that they drill for, but we aren’t allowed to drill?”

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, “OK, where were we? Oh, that ‘s right: question time. Who has a question?”

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

“Steve,” he responds.

“And what is your question, Steve?”

Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it’s actually worse?
Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs?
Fourth, why are we importing oil from Brazil that they drill for, but we aren’t allowed to drill?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what happened to Walter?”

(Thanks, Ron!)

• Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
• If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
• If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
• Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
• Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
• Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
• Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?
• Why are they called ” stands” when they are made for sitting?
• Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
• Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
• Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
• Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
• Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
• If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
• Why is bra singular and panties plural?
• Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
• Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
• Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
• Christmas – What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
• Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

(Thanks, Ron!)