May 13, 2008
Ron sent me this one and it’s so good I thought I’d post it. Hilarious!!
April 25, 2008
Dear Abie,
The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. I hadn’t gone more than a kilometer or two when my engine conked out, and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home only to find my husband making love to our neighbor. My husband was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but I don’t know if I can trust him anymore. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Frustrated
April 10, 2008
(the above is an actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws in Los Angeles and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up. Her eyes were closed, and she had both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.
She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
April 2, 2008
“Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
- To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
- To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
- To complain about what we do - Press 3
- To swear at staff members - Press 4
- To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your Newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
- If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
- If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
- To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
- To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
- To complain about school lunches - Press 0
- If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
- If you want this in Spanish, you must be in the wrong country.
February 16, 2008
I had to do a double take tonight. We (KC and I ) went to a trivia night and we heard this:
Of course, I’ve heard of the Wright Brothers…..
Frank and Lloyd.
Isn’t it amazing what you hear at a Trivia Night?
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Now playing: Rob Zombie - Dragula
via FoxyTunes
February 13, 2008
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky . . . Not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2008 :
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven’t got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration?
(Thanks Ron!)
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Now playing: Lynn Allen - Last Night
via FoxyTunes
October 30, 2007
I’ve been wanting to try to include YouTube in my posts! This is it!
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Now playing: Styx - Lady
via FoxyTunes
October 9, 2007
This just in… at last we have irrefutable truth that a bear DOES shit in the woods! Don’t forget, you saw it here first!
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Now playing: Social Distortion - Ball And Chain
via FoxyTunes
September 19, 2007
That’s right! Today is “Talk Like A Pirate” Day. Enjoy it, ya swab!
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Now playing: Head East - Never Been Any Reason
via FoxyTunes
June 27, 2007
While I was watching a game this last weekend on TV, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.
June 21, 2007
(Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.)
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one robber said, “At least we’ll have a bit to eat.”
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper
headline read:
