This list of rules, known as “The Iowa Rules” will be handed to each person as they enter the great state of Iowa.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you’ll do all week at the gym. How’d you like to go home and tell your momma you got your butt kicked by a big guy in bib overalls?
2. It’s called a ‘gravel road.’ No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to “corn fed” when talking about our women will get your butt kicked…by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13 inch trout you fish for…bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. Turn your cap right, your head ain’t crooked.
8. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
9. That’s right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid for one drink at the airport.
10. The Hawkeyes and the Cyclones are as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks…and a dang sight more fun to watch.
11. No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
12. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
14. You bring “Mary Jane” into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
15. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car that you drive on weekends. We’re real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use three weeks a year.
16. Let’s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.
17. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-because they want to. So, you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute.
18. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and turtle too. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the bait shop.
19. They are pigs. That’s what they smell like. Get over it. Don’t like it? Interstate 80 goes two ways – 35 goes the other two. Pick one.
20. The “Opener” refers to the first day of pheasant season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. You can get breakfast at the church.
21. So every person in every pick-up waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
22. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.
23. No, we can’t shoot the doves. They’re song birds. Okay, even we feel a little stupid about that one.

Now, enjoy your visit. Just don’t overdue your stay – we have corn to plant so we can feed the world.

Happy birthday, AJ!

Happy birthday, Michael!

Forbes’ annual list of America’s best undergraduate institutions. Click here to see the full list. From the website: “Our annual ranking of the 650 best undergraduate institutions focuses on the things that matter the most to students: quality of teaching, great career prospects, graduation rates and low levels of debt. Unlike other lists, we pointedly ignore ephemeral measures such as school “reputation” and ill-conceived metrics that reward wasteful spending.”

After checking out the list, it’s interesting how the smaller schools in Iowa do so much better than the larger ones, considering nearly everyone I know says the small schools are not as good as the public universities. The results for Iowa of the schools that qualified in the top 650 nationally, along with their national ranking:

• #68 Grinnell College, annual tuition $49,062, enrollment 1,688
• #139 Luther College, annual tuition $42,720, enrollment 2,519
• #157 Wartburg College (my alma mater!), annual tuition $39,395, enrollment 1,800
• #204 Coe College, annual tuition $41,750, enrollment 1,300
• #271 Cornell College, annual tuition $42,820, enrollment 1,133
• #290 Simpson College, annual tuition $38,156, enrollment 2,025
• #302 Drake University, annual tuition $39,550, enrollment 5,653
• #305 Clarke University, annual tuition $35,490, enrollment 1,202
• #328 Dordt College, annual tuition $33,900, enrollment 1,322
• #352 Northwestern College, annual tuition $34,438, enrollment 1,206
• #429 Central College, annual tuition $38,962, enrollment 1,636
• #434 University of Iowa, annual tuition $36,649, enrollment 28,987
• #514 Iowa State University, annual tuition $30,487, enrollment 27,945
• #517 University of Northern Iowa, annual tuition $26,992, enrollment 13,303

So maybe the larger schools with lower tuition may NOT be the best deal, eh? Of course, I’ve said this for years (so has the wife). But many friends blindly look at the initial tuition numbers and then look elsewhere.

Thirty three years ago today at 2:00 in the afternoon at the United Methodist Church in Springville, IA, Carla Rae “Casey” Jones made me the happiest man on the planet. We’ve had our ups and downs over the years but I still am hopelessly in love with her and can’t imagine my life without her. Casey, you are my wife, my lover, my best friend, my everything. Every day I thank God for bringing you into my life. I love you. Happy Anniversary!

Obama goes to an elementary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name.

“Walter”, responds the little boy.

“And what is your question, Walter?”

“I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it’s actually worse?
Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs?
Fourth, why are we importing oil from Brazil that they drill for, but we aren’t allowed to drill?”

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, “OK, where were we? Oh, that ‘s right: question time. Who has a question?”

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

“Steve,” he responds.

“And what is your question, Steve?”

Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it’s actually worse?
Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs?
Fourth, why are we importing oil from Brazil that they drill for, but we aren’t allowed to drill?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what happened to Walter?”

(Thanks, Ron!)

This was in the Waco Tribune Herald, Waco, TX Nov 18, 2010. Here’s the link to the original story, but you need a subscription.

Put me in charge of food stamps. I’d get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for Ding Dongs or Ho Ho’s, just money for 50-pound bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want steak and frozen pizza, then get a job.

Put me in charge of Medicaid. The first thing I’d do is to get women Norplant birth control implants or tubal ligations. Then, we’ll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine and document all tattoos and piercings. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, smoke or get tats and piercings, then get a job.

Put me in charge of government housing. Ever live in a military barracks? You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your “home” will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or XBox 360, then get a job and your own place.

In addition, you will either present a check stub from a job each week or you will report to a “government” job. It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, painting and repairing public housing, whatever we find for you. We will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo and speakers and put that money toward the “common good”.

Before you write that I’ve violated someone’s rights, realize that all of the above is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules. Before you say that this would be “demeaning” and ruin their “self esteem”, consider that it wasn’t that long ago that taking someone else’s money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self esteem.

If we are expected to pay for other people’s mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system rewards them for continuing to make bad choices.

AND While you are on Gov’t subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes that is correct. For you to vote would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Gov’t welfare check. If you want to vote, then get a job.

Happy birthday, Janice!

• Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
• If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
• If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
• Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
• Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
• Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
• Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?
• Why are they called ” stands” when they are made for sitting?
• Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
• Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
• Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
• Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
• Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
• If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
• Why is bra singular and panties plural?
• Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
• Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
• Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
• Christmas – What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
• Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

(Thanks, Ron!)

Happy birthday, Eric!

You’ve been with me my entire life and I can’t begin to describe all the moments you’ve helped me, nurtured me and been there for me. All I can do is say “Thank You, Mom”. Happy Birthday!