Tech Support: Do you have any windows open right now?
Customer: Are you crazy? It’s twenty below outside!

Tech Support: What seems to be the problem?
Customer: A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse it disappears.

Tech Support: What does the screen say now?
Customer: It says “Hit ENTER when ready.”
Tech Support: Well?
Customer: How do I know when it’s ready?

Customer: The instructions say to press any key to continue.
Tech Support: OK.
Customer: Where’s the “any” key?

Tech Support: Hello, Tech Support.
Customer: Do I have to buy stamps to send e-mail?

Customer: There’s no power going to my computer! I want this FIXED NOW!
Tech Support: Hmmm. The power switch set to “on”, correct?
Customer: Power switch? Ummmm Well, looky there!

Tech Support: Tell me, is the cursor still there?
Customer: No, I’m alone right now.

Customer: I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message.
Tech Support: Did you install the update?
Customer: No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?

Customer: I would like to place an order.
Tech Support: Unfortunately, we are unable to take orders over the phone. All orders must be placed on our web site.
Customer: Web site?
Tech Support: You need access to a computer that’s connected to the Internet in order to visit our Internet site and place an order.
Customer: Where is the computer?

Tech Support: What seems to be the problem?
Customer: When I change my font sizes, the letters change size.

AND FINALLY!!!!

Customer: I have Windows on this computer.
Tech Support: OK.
Customer: And the computer isn’t working.
Tech Support: You already said that…

“Have you ever noticed…. Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” George Carlin

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” Rita Rudner

“I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.” Carol Leifer

“I have a great diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.” Ed Bluestone

“The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it.” Jackie Gleason

“I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’ The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’” Jay Leno

“The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.” Roger Simon

“I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” Dave Edison

“If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.” George Gobel

“Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.” William Coronel

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” Oscar Wilde

The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” A. Whitney Brown

The Lord’s Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.

“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.” Dave Barry

“Suppose you were an idiot… And suppose you were a member of Congress….. but I repeat myself.” Mark Twain

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Now playing: Randori – This Changes Everything
via FoxyTunes

That’s right. 20 days until OpenSuse 11.4 hits the Internet. And this time, I’m doing it. I’m dropping Windows on my desktop computer and moving to OpenSuse. I’ve been running OpenSuse 11.3 on my laptop for quite a while now and it’s been great! No lockups, **VERY** fast response to programs.

I’ve had Windows XP on my desktop computer for a while. Yeah, it’s OK for stable – I have to reboot it pretty much once a week – and it does run some nice programs, but I have NO pirated software on it. I paid for Windows (a long time ago) and have no other retail software on it unless you count Nero software that was included with a hardware purchase of a DVD drive. Other than that, I have not paid for any software – it’s all been open source or freeware.

I use OpenOffice, now called LibreOffice, for my office suite (word processor, spreadsheet, database, presentations, drawing). While is may not cut the mustard in a corporate setting (because power users are quite demanding even of the Microsoft Office suite), it is quite capable for home use. It’s not a full blown MS Office copy, but rather somewhere between Microsoft Office and Microsoft Works (closer to Office than Works).

I use FileZilla for FTP. I use IrfanView to view photos and do quick manipulations. I use The GIMP for more effects on photos and creating textures for my blog. I use Audacity to edit and manipulate sound files (WAV, MP3, etc.). Use CDBurnerXP to burn CDs and DVDs. I use Inkscape to create and edit vector graphics. I use Winamp to listen to music. I use Firefox to browse the web. I use Thunderbird for email along with the Lightening plugin for calendaring (although I’m getting more partial to Zimbra at least in Windows). And I use PSPad to do web development like editing PHP files and CSS files.

When I make the move to OpenSuse, I’ll still be able to use LibreOffice, FileZilla, The GIMP, Audacity, Inkscape, Firefox and Thunderbird. But I probably won’t use Thunderbird. I’ll switch to either the Zimbra desktop or to Evolution. Also, instead of PSPad, I’ll use Kate. And instead of CDBurnerXP I’ll use k3b. And I’ll also use Songbird to listen to music instead of Winamp. Pretty much what I do now on my laptop.

Oh, I’ll still have a copy of Windows if I need it but I’ll be running it in VirtualBox. So I can still fire up Windows if I need to but chances are I won’t need to. Anyway…… 20 days!

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Now playing: Halestorm – I Get Off
via FoxyTunes

Two old guys, one 84 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath. The 84 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”

So, on the way home the 84 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said “Do you have any Rye bread?”

She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”

He said, “I want 5 loaves.”

She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves … by the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”

He replied, “I can’t believe it; everybody knows about this shit but me.”

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Now playing: Buckcherry – Everything
via FoxyTunes

In a local sports bar trivia quiz the question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? I lost. Apparently, the correct answer is Africa…

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Now playing: REO Speedwagon – Tough Guys
via FoxyTunes