Of course, some don’t think these are funny… but I do!! This is not a new joke but I think some of them are really hilarious puns! (Got any to add?)

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs…

• lying in a ditch? Phil
• flying over a fence? Homer
• buried up to the neck? Spike
• in the ocean? Bob
• water-skiing? Skip
• in a swimming pool? Wade
• hanging on the wall? Art
• in a pile of leaves? Russell
• in a meat grinder? Chuck
• on the doorstep? Matt
• on a BBQ grill? Frank
• on the President’s desk? Vito
• who is full of shit? John
• whose color is just a bit off? Hugh
• pinned under a car? Jack
• stuffed in a mailbox? Bill
• lying beside a carnival ride? Ralph
• in a dump truck? Rocky
• being run over by a car? Lane
• in a blender? Nick
• in a bathtub? Dwayne
• on a chalkboard? Mark
• under a bed? Dusty
• who has scoliosis (curvature of the spine)? Ben
• who is amazed? A Paul
• who is foaming at the mouth? Bud
• in the fireplace? Bernie
• in the fireplace, an hour later? Ashley
• lying on a lawyer’s desk? Will
• next to a hole? Doug
• in a flower pot? Pete
• in a pot of boiling water? Stu
• in a butter dish? Pat

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Listening to: Prism – Spaceship Superstar
via FoxyTunes

Happy Anniversary, Geoff and Roberta!

Well, it isn’t exactly February 2nd, now is it? But maybe this little guy didn’t know it either! Just after the Iowa Hawkeye Football game today, he was checking around the back yard looking for something to eat. He is a nice looking little fella, though! What do you think?
  

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Listening to: Newsboys – I Am Free
via FoxyTunes

Happy Birthday, Howie!

Happy Birth Day, Laura Lee! Welcome to the world!

Happy Birthday, Jessie!

Happy Birthday, Geoff!

Is the federal “Cash for Clunkers” a success? I, for one, think not. Let’s look at facts:

• A vehicle at 15 mpg and 12,000 miles per year uses 800 gallons a year of gasoline. This kind of vehicle (provided it isn’t too old!) qualified for the “Cash for Clunkers” program.
• A vehicle at 25 mpg and 12,000 miles per year uses 480 gallons a year. A large percentage of the cars sold get an average of 25 mpg overall.
• Looking at the previous two facts we can determine that the average “Cash for Clunkers” transaction will reduce U.S. gasoline consumption by 320 gallons per year. Simple subtraction. Wonderful!
• The “Cash for Clunkers” program claims to have sold 700,000 vehicles. Again, simple arithmetic tells us that saves 224 million gallons a year. Great!
• Using current refining techniques, that equates to a bit over five million barrels of oil per year, which is about one quarter of one day’s U.S. consumption. Awesome!
• Five million barrels of oil at the current rate of $75 per barrel costs about $375 million. That’s annually saving $375 million. Excellent!
• The cost of the “Cash for Clunkers” program was $3 billion. Yeah, we all knew that.
• We paid $3 billion this year to save $375 million annually? WTF?
• At that rate it is 8 years to the break-even point and that doesn’t include the fact that many of these “Cash for Clunkers” cars would have been replaced well before those 8 years were up. Huh?
• The 8 year break-even point is determined WITHOUT the interest on that $3 billion that we will HAVE to pay because we didn’t have the money in the first place. If the interest is even an extremely low 2%, that creates an extra $60 million (2% of $3 billion) the first year in interest alone. That pushes the 8 year break-even point even further out. No, I’m not doing the compound interest on this to find the exact break-even point.

And here’s the kicker: the $4500 you got from the government if you took part in the “Cash for Clunkers” program is taxable. That’s right. You got $4500 in “free money” to help you pay for a car, but you were taxed on that car for the full amount. (Who knows how much the car was marked up while the “Cash for Clunkers” program was going on.) Plus, the $4500 will be counted as income so you’ll be paying applicable Federal, State and Local Income Taxes on it. Plus, it is possible that the $4500 will kick you up a tax bracket as well!

So after all that, tell me how great the “Cash for Clunkers” program was.

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Listening to: Weezer – Undone
via FoxyTunes

I recently asked my friends’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.”

Her parents beamed with pride.

“Wow…what a wonderful goal!” I told her, “But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where one of the homeless guys hang out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”

I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”

Her parents still aren’t speaking to me. (Thanks, Ron!)

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Listening to: Little Feat – Texas Twister
via FoxyTunes

Happy Birthday, Andy!

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Listening to: Evanescence – Bring me to Life
via FoxyTunes