I thought these were hilarious! (Thanks, Ron!)

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other,’You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
23. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

—————-
Listening to: Spatterdash – Learning to Crawl
via FoxyTunes

There once was a Pied Piper who said “We live in the greatest country in the world. Help me change it!”

And the people said, “Change is good!”

Then he said, “We are going to tax the rich fat-cats!”

And the people said, “Sock it to them!”

And then he said, “And redistribute their wealth!”

And the people said, “Show me the money!”

And then he said, “Redistribution of wealth is good for everybody!”

And Joe the plumber said, “Are you kidding me?”

And Joe’s personal records were hacked and publicized.

And one lone reporter asked, “Isn’t that Marxist policy?”

And she was banished from the kingdom!

Then someone asked, “With no foreign relations experience, how will you deal with radical terrorists?”

And the Pied Piper said, “Simple. I’ll sit down and talk with them and show them how nice we really are and they’ll forget that they ever wanted to kill us all!”

Then the Pied Piper said, “I’ll give 95% of you lower taxes!”

And one, lone voice said, “But 40% of us don’t pay ANY taxes!?”

So the Pied Piper said, “Then I’ll give you some of the taxes the fat-cats pay!”

And the people said, “Show me the money!”

Then the Pied Piper said, “I’ll tax your Capital Gains when you sell your homes!”

And the people yawned and the slumping housing market collapsed.

And he said, “I’ll mandate employer-funded health care for EVERY worker and raise the minimum wage!”

And the people said, “Gimme some of that!”

Then he said, “I’ll penalize employers who ship jobs overseas!”

And the people said, “Where’s my rebate check?”

Then the Pied Piper actually said, “I’ll bankrupt the coal industry and electricity rates will skyrocket!”

And the people said, “Coal is dirty, coal is evil, no more coal! But we don’t care for that part about higher electric rates.”

So the Pied Piper said, “Not to worry. If your rebate isn’t enough to cover your expenses, we’ll bail you out. Just sign up with ACORN and your troubles are over!”

Then he said, “Illegal immigrants feel scorned and slighted. Let’s grant them amnesty, Social Security, free education, free lunches, free medical care, bi-lingual signs and guaranteed housing!”

And the people said, “Ole! Bravo!” And they made him King!

And so it came to pass that employers, facing spiraling costs and ever-higher taxes, raised their prices and laid off workers. Others simply gave up and went out of business and the economy slowed even further.

Then the Pied Piper said, “I am the Messiah and I’m here to save you! We’ll just print more money so everyone will have enough!”

But our foreign trading partners said, “Wait a minute. Your dollar isn’t worth what it was. You’ll have to pay more.”

And the people said, “Wait a minute. That’s not fair!”

And the world said, “Neither are these other, idiotic programs you’ve embraced. You’ve become a Socialist state and a second-rate power. Now you’ll play by our rules!”

And the people said, “What have we done?”

But it was too late.

If you think this is a fairy tale, open your eyes and ears. It’s happening RIGHT NOW!
—————-
Listening to: Social Distortion – Ball And Chain
via FoxyTunes

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Walmart greeter said pleasantly, “Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say “Hell no they ain’t! The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”

“I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am,” replied the greeter very politely.

No, I’m not talking about the dirt you put in to fill a hole or to fill in between your house and the drain spout. I’m talking about entries. I’ve left a bunch of them out – specifically birthday and anniversary notes. So you’ll see some new ones that I simply forgot. It’s really bad when you forget about your website for a while!

Happy Anniversary, Doug and Susan!

Happy Birthday, Susan!

Yeah, that’s right. Global warming is in full tilt right now… HA! Here’s today’s weather:

And just so you don’t think it’s just a bit cold here’s a shot of my back yard, complete with snow:

For those of you who still don’t get it, check out this chart scraped from the Yahoo Weather website (here’s the link to the site):

And note that for April, the average high temperature here is 63°F and the average low temperature here is 40°F – we are to be just above the average low for a high temperature today. If you also check the record high (93°F in 1952) and the record low (10°F in 1982) would indicate that the general trend is for the weather to get COLDER over that 30 year period… this was the time when the “global warming” scam was born. Wake up people! Global warming is a political scam to get us to feel guilty so we are ripe for paying more taxes!
—————-
Listening to: Silvertide – Heartstrong
via FoxyTunes

Happy Birthday, Jaylen!

Happy Birthday, Clayton! (See his website here)