“Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

• To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
• To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
• To complain about what we do - Press 3
• To swear at staff members - Press 4
• To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your Newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
• If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
• If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
• To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
• To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
• To complain about school lunches - Press 0
• If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
• If you want this in Spanish, you must be in the wrong country.