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50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
4. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “oops!”
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say “mmmm…tasty!”
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say “Ding!” at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say “I think it’s getting larger.”
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”

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Now that I’ve worked in the computer industry for the last few years, I’ve gained an insider’s perspective. I decided to share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:

1. Alpha – Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for “doesn’t work.”
2. Beta – Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it’s released. Beta is Latin for “still doesn’t work.”
3. Computer – Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger “Duffy” Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the “Incompatible File Format” error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler’s death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
4. CPU – Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer’s engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that’s powered by a running rodent – a gerbil if the machine is a Celeron, a ferret if it’s a Duron, a ferret on speed if it’s a Pentium and a Tazmanian devil with a scalpel in its scrotum if its an Athlon.
5. Default Directory – Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.
6. Error message – Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program’s shortcomings.
7. File – A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet – except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
8. Hardware – Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.
9. Help – The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.
10. Input/Output – Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.
11. Interim Release – A programmer’s feeble attempt at repentance.
12. Memory – Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
13. Printer – A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
14. Programmers – Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create “user-friendly” software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
15. Reference Manual – Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
16. Scheduled Release Date – A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
17. User-Friendly – Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
18. Users – Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
    1. Novice Users – People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
    2. Intermediate Users – People who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it.
    3. Expert Users – People who break other people’s computers.

I hope this explanation helps you in your understanding of computer terminology.

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Microsoft – The Next Generation…

“Star Trek Lost Episodes” transcript.

Picard “Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?”

Geordi “Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.”

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled. “What the hell is `Microsoft‘?”

Data turns to answer. “Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called `Windows’, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.”

Picard “But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won’t they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?”

Data “Yes, Captain. But when `Windows’ detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an `upgrade’. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.”

Picard “Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable geometric shape’ idea.”

. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

Data “Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows’ in the Borg’s command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected `upgrade’.”

Geordi “Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an `upgrade’ to compensate for their increase.”

Picard “Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.”

Data “Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the `upgrade’. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.”

Riker “Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F ….”

Geordi, excited “Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !”

Picard “Data, what do your scanners show?”

Data, studying displays “Appearently the Borg have found the internal `Windows’ module named `Solitaire’, and it has used up all available CPU capacity.”

Picard “Let’s wait and see how long this `Solitaire’ can reduce their functionality.”

. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

Riker “Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?”

Geordi “As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more `Windows’ modules from something called the `Microsoft Fun-pack’.

Picard “How much time will that buy us?”

Data “Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours.”

Geordi “Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.”

Picard “Identify.”

Data “It appears to have markings very similar to the ‘Microsoft’ logo…”

Over the speakers “THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY.”

Data “The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.”

Picard “Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!”

Riker “My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship – with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!”

Data “I don’t believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.”

Riker and Picard, together – horrified “Lawyers!!”

Geordi “It can’t be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.”

Data “True, but appearently some must have survived.”

Riker “They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.”

Data “I believe that is known in ancient venacular as `red tape’. It often proves fatal.”

Riker “They’re tearing the Borg to pieces!”

Picard “Turn the monitors off, Data, I can’t bear to watch. Even the Borg don’t deserve such a gruesome death!”

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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs…

1. who hangs on the wall? (Art)
2. who lies in front of your door? (Matt)
3. who floats in your pool? (Bob)
4. who is on your chalk board? (Mark)
5. who is hiding in a pile of leaves? (Russel)
6. who is on the stage? (Mike)
7. who drops by once a month? (Bill)
8. at the bottom of your bathtub? (Duane)
9. who is in the bathroom? (John)
10. who sits in a hole? (Doug)
11. his brother, who sits in another hole? (Phil)
12. who sits on your stove? (Stew)
13. sitting in a tree? (Leif)
14. water skiing? (Skip)
15. in the trunk of your car? (Jack)
16. in a field of marijuana? (Bud)
17. flying over a fence? (Homer)
18. on your BBQ grill? (Frank)
19. who holds up a bank? (Rob)
20. hanging from a vine? (Barry)
21. who likes to tell jokes? (Josh)
22. driving a car? (Rex)

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs…

1. who is at the beach? (Sandy)
2. who sings at Christmas? (Carol)
3. who is sweet as can be? (Candy)
4. who talks before every meal? (Grace)
5. stuck on a fence? (Barb)
6. with a toothpick in her butt? (Olive)
7. on your BBQ grill? (Patty)

Got any more?

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